Now this story begins innocently enough when i was 5. i had just single handedly beaten back the Spanish armada, and was ready for anything, or so i thought. In reality, being five years old, I wasn't really for ready much... maybe being able to use the toilet myself, and possibly tie my own shoelaces... it's hard to tell. Never the less, I held my delusions of grandeurs with pride, and went out to find the world. Little had it occurred to me to look down, but being no-where near my towering height of 8' 4" then, I spent most of my time looking up. So as the ground had never held much particular interest for me, I wandered off on my own merry way, standing on stick, snakes, and spiders a plenty. I had skin as strong as steel, but as soft as silk then. i was dreamy AND indestructible. And five.

After humiliating several snakes who were by now amassing for a grand contest of "Who can get their venom through the super-child's skin without breaking your teeth", I decided that the poor reptiles would never learn much better on their own. i taught them that rocks were not only good for sleeping on, but they were great for their biting contests, as the are considerably easier to bite through than my skin of the time, and didn't have a world to discover. They paraded in my honour, and there was much rock-biting in celebration. Well after a while of this, I decided that it was possibly time to return to my quest, as I noticed the snakes were starting to realise that I'd bitten through a potato, and not a rock after all. In retrospect, I needn't have bothered leaving in such a hurry, as all the snakes had long since broken all their teeth, and were heading back for seconds when they figured it out. I was in no danger, and nor would I have been in any more if I had not my freakishly strong, yet supple and soft skin.

I bit the snakes a fond farewell, which sadly they could not return, not only due to the fact that they no longer had teeth, but largely due to the fact that they had no voice boxes either. I could tell you that for an instant i could swear that they moved into a position that said "Well. Cheers for the whole rock thing. I hope that you and your brilliantly strong, yet beautifully smooth, supple, and soft skin do find this world that you are so hoping to discover. We would be ever so pleased if you would write us in the future and tell us how it goes. We dismay at the fact that you must go, but rejoice in the fact that we have rocks for ever more. Until we forget.", I really could tell you that. I won't though, because that entire message from the snakes is kinda long, and might disrupt the rhythm of the story.